Is it completely normal to be 30-something-years old and suffer from arachnophobia?  I’m going to go ahead and answer for you and say yes, it is absolutely normal to be middle aged and still deathly afraid of spiders.

I had a near-death experience with one just a few days ago.  I was the passenger of a vehicle and a spider tried to sneak-attack me from the side window.  Luckily, my quick-like reflexes helped my narrow escape and landed me in the lap of the driver.   Quite the nuisance for the driver, I’m sure.  But he wasn’t the one who had his life flash before his eyes.  I had no other choice.  It was either sacrifice my life in the legs of the spider, or save it by sacrificing time in the driver’s lap for the duration of the trip.  By choosing the latter, I live to see another day.

This isn’t my first brush with death with these eight-legged freaks, oh no.  They have come for my life before.  I’ll never forget when one, white in color, attempted to end me by jumping on my steering wheel.  Yet again, I had to sacrifice the body and exit the vehicle.  Luckily, the passenger was capable of steering the vehicle to a stop at the next intersection.  I had no other choice, it had to be done.

Ever have a tarantula in your garage?  I have.   Worse day of my life.  I screamed bloody murder and ran fast enough to enter in the Boston Marathon.  I hate to be the bad guy, but SOMEBODY had to get the spider out of the garage.  So, I forced my roommate to do it.  I didn’t want to be the dictator, but lives were at stake and someone needed to be the enforcer and final decision-maker.  I, at least, grabbed a plastic container and handed it to my roommate for spider disposal.  See?  I do more than just bark orders, I chip in as well.

“Jumping” spiders are tricky, leaping from one sneak attack mode to the next.  You never know where their final jumping destination will be.  Right when you think you have out witted their rapid reflexes, they side jolt and you’ve put yourself back in the line of fire.

“Fuzzy” spiders are just creepy and gross.  Their fuzz alone is enough for me to go screaming in the opposite direction.  ‘Nuff said.

There are three situations that are the worse for me: A spider on a toilet seat, a spider on a light switch, and a potential spider crawling up the side while you’re in bed…. Alone.

The toilet seat because your pants are down and this automatically makes you vulnerable.  And, a public toilet?  Even worse!  In one second you’ve got your pants down to your ankles and a spider attacks out of nowhere.  In another split second you’ve jolted out of the public stall landing face-down, ass up and on display for all of public to see.

Try walking into a dark room and reaching for a light switch just to be met by a man-eating spider waiting to pounce.  I’m surprised I haven’t caused myself to go into a cardiac arrest.

And last but not least, the infamous potential of a spider taking your life while sleeping in bed alone.  The “alone” part is most significant.  When there are two people in the bed, you have a 50/50 chance of escaping with your life.  When you’re alone, the odds of survival are significantly less.

When there is an additional body in the bed with you, start with Plan A: scream bloody murder to at least give the other person a fighting chance, then cover them up with the comforter to give yourself the remaining fighting chance to get the hell out of dodge.  If this doesn’t work, go with Plan B: If there is the slight chance that your bed partner escapes before you do, keep flailing about to decrease your chances of being attacked and start crying hysterically yelling, “Why would you leave me?!” Then, hopefully, they’ll come back to the scene of the crime and the spider will take their life instead, like originally planned.

I know that all of the above may seem like selfish acts, but remember, your life is at stake here.  At what great lengths would you go to save your own?

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