It’s Been a Long Time

It has been a couple of years since I’ve typed away on this thing…
Much has happened.
A lot actually…
And since I use this blog as my personal public diary – well, then this should be interesting.
Stay tuned!

Flimsy Bag

Nothing pisses me off more than a flimsy bag. You put all your shit in the bag and the damn thing will NOT keep shape. That bag is better off on the ground playing dead. Better yet, I’d rather give that bag to me cat to destroy. I spend more seconds of my day dealing with a flimsy bag and getting all the shit to neatly stay still when I set the bag down or try to put more of my shit in it.

And what’s even more annoying, is that my daily carry bag is of the flimsy variety and I don’t replace the damn thing. So every day, I continue getting pissed off at this damn flimsy bag issue that I continue to have and yet I do nothing about it.

Having a flimsy bag feels like a reflection of myself and representing an unorganized, scattered brain individual that never has her shit together. This bag situation stresses me out that much. I feel like I show up to events or gatherings, walking in with that damn flimsy bag and everyone thinks “Oh here comes. This girls gonna be all over the place.”

For the most part it’s true. Maybe me and this bag are meant for each other. Like a mole you have your face that you just live with instead of having it removed….

Divergent Book VS Movie

Ok let me just clarify. There is a HUGE difference between the actual book and the movie. I’ve read the entire series and I’m here to tell you that the master minds behind movie 1 actually did a far better job than the makers of book 1… (Let the backlash begin). Granted, with every book that is made into a movie, there are certain bits and pieces of the story that don’t make the final cut into the movie. I do hope you are aware of this. Keeping this in mind before I watch any book on the big screen, I watch with open criticism and flexibility. We are all entitled to our own opinion and here is mine:

The book itself was an easy read. And, just like with any book, there are more details of certain interpersonal relationships with each character and a more painted picture of the back story. One thing I noticed right away with the book, is this

  1. It’s an easy read (previously stated). Pick up your own copy for proof.

It’s not any different than any other teen post-apocalyptic “fighting to save humanity” series that’s currently making its way through Divergent VS Hunger Gamesthe big screens of Hollywood. Quite honestly, if you have read the series, Divergent isn’t that much different than Hunger Games.

Sorry that I’m not sorry if I just ruined it for you.

So what is the basic plot? Female average-looking teen lives in a futuristic tragic society. She feels insignificant to that society and doesn’t know her place in the grand scheme of things. There is some boy involvement as she Divergent Xena Warrior Princesstransitions and blossoms into Xena Warrior Princess within a 3 book collection. That pretty much sums it up.

But why, in this case, is movie 1 a better final product than book 1?

Book 1: Divergent

As mentioned a couple of times above, and stated here again, the plot is practically the same as Hunger Games. If my memory serves me correctly, it doesn’t get too “boy crazy” until book 2, Divergent Tris and FourInsurgent. Again, there are more details and back stories of how the society is held together in a controlled environment and segregated, yet “making things work as a team”. The main star of Divergent is an average girl next door who loves her family. She struggles with decisions that will affect the future of her and her family.

Some quirky “snag” in the system drastically alters her path and begins a series of events. She is forced to be separated from her home and grow into Xena. Along the way, Xena discovers feelings towards a boy and faces the internal struggles of young love. Meanwhile, her entire society is going down in a hail of gunfire.

This is why the book is “alright”….

Movie 1: Much better

“Why?” Do you ask? Welp, because it just is. With the flexibility of intricate book details missing from the movie, they did a very good job of providing enough for the movie watcher to understand the basic plot of what the hell is going on, AND they toned down the mooshy “I don’t know if he likes me” crap on the big screen; which matured the storyline.

I find teen love confusion and miscommunication annoying.

There were a couple of scenes I wish were included and/or done differently. For Divergent Chasmexample, Edward receives a horrendous injury to the face (Not being too specific for those I hold out hope for to actually read the book) which I don’t remember that being in the movie at all? Someone correct me on this if I’m wrong.

Also, the scene where Tris is attacked and almost thrown over the chasm is, in my opinion, way more of a dramatic scene in the book vs the movie. There are many more differences, but like I said, it’s movieland and it’s going to happen. Either way, over all better job with the movie. Good work.

Van Wilder’s Dad

Sometimes you just have to realize a poor investment and simply cut your losses…. write that down!

-Van Wilder’s Dad

Lizard

About a week ago, I hopped in my car to run a few errands on the opposite side of town, which meant I had at least an hour of driving time ahead of me.  I was driving along and I noticed , what I thought to be, a dark black strip whipping around in the wind next to my wiper blade. I automatically assumed it was a piece of my wiperblade tearing apart and now flapping on the glass. Until I got a better look at what this object really was.

It was a damn lizard hanging on for dear life on my windshield.

 

I was quite aware that I should have been paying more attention to my driving and not the damn lizard, but I just couldn’t help myself. I kept slowing down when gusts of wind felt too strong against my car and slowing down for curves on the highway.

 

My heart skipped a beat every time a strong wind would cross paths with my car. With his body slapping back and forth on the glass, there were a couple of times that I thought for sure he was a gonner. With so much anxiety built up over this small little creature, I wanted to pull over to make sure he was OK. But there was no safe place for me to pull over on the highway.

 

So, the tiny creature and myself pressed on until we reached our final destination. As I put my car in park, I sat there. Waiting. To see if there would be any sign of life left in this little thing. After a few seconds of anticipation, he sprung to life. His rapid little heart beating throughout his entire body and shaking like he just saw his entire short life flash before his eyes… continuously for the past hour, like a record on repeat.

After sitting there watching him scurry off the top of my car and onto the nearby grass, I had a fleeting thought:

 

“Thank goodness I am not that lizard”

 

I mean, think about it. That poor guy gripped on to a car windshield with all of his might to stay alive for an entire hour.  Who the hell wants to go through that?! I sure as hell don’t.

 

And then I started thinking, maybe my life isn’t too bad. I don’t have to worry about anything like that. What is worse? Waking up to a job I hate, or waking up stuck to some asshole’s windshield and shitting myself for the next hour wondering if this guy’s gonna pull over so I can save myself.

So, you see, folks? Things could be so much worse. Remember that.

Creeper

You know who you are, you creeper. If you fall under ANY of the 8 items listed below, you may want to reconsider your field playing strategies. I am NOT placing a label on people nor their actions in public, I am simply “bringing to light” how others may or may not perceive you. So, fellas, keep this in mind the next time you’re “out on the prowl” and hunting for the ladies.

  1. Ultimate Stare-Down: When a woman catches you staring at her, DO NOT continue staring back.

It just makes it awkward for her and anyone in the general vicinity of this stare-down. It it not like the movies, okay? There will not be any “love at first sight” heart-throb music playing in the background, nor is she automatically going to walk up to you and invite you over to her place. This is real life and real life women, more often than not, find this to be entirely creepy.

  1. Red Light Roll: Ok… slowly creeping up to a red light is not sneaky whatsoever. I want to make this perfectly clear. Which leads to my next point….
  1. Driving Stare-Down: We can feel your creepy little eyeballs staring at us when you and your vehicle are stopped right next to us at the same red light. I mean, it is pretty damn obvious guys. Same rule applies. If we stare back at you and you continue playing the staring game, it is a grounds for us to jot down your license plate and turn it in to the nearest police station.
  1. Cologne Bath: Ok yeah. A couple of squirts from the “smell good” bottle is plenty. Fight your urge to squirt more. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. Especially when we can taste your cologne and we are now drowning in it. Oh! And a little “note-to-self” for ya – keep that shit out of the gym too. Nothing spells “Creeper” better than the guy standing around pretending to workout and choking everyone with his liquid poison.
  1. Putting the “Vibe” Out There: I’m honestly convinced that there is a secret society somewhere that teaches young men the proper attire to go out in public looking like a creeper. This “creeper style” comes in different forms yet, somehow, always easy to spot. Sometimes it’s you wearing the T-shirt that is 2 sizes too small. Or it’s the excessive jewelry tangled up in your chest hair. My personal favorite would be the “Vibe Style” + “Cologne Bath” combo. Two for the price of one.
  1. “No” means “Yes”: IF! You make it this far as to have a conversation with us, No means No.  Simply put. I know that there are some females that are very rude to you from the get-go and I do apologize for their crabby ways. Regardless, whether the young lady is polite or inconsiderate, if you are getting any type of a “no” response, it’s not a secret passage to the word “Yes.” Don’t make the awkwardness any worse than it already needs to be.
  1. Following Behind: Ok. DO NOT follow the girl once she leaves the store/bar/club/restaurant/or wherever you first played the staring game with her or received a “No” from her lips. That is the WORSE thing you can do. You may think its cute but I can assure you it is not.  Refer back to #1 The Ultimate Stare-Down, which refers back to the notation that the movies have lied to you and a real girl will definitely get creeped out by this move and you better pray to God she doesn’t know Kung Fu when you attempt to reapproach her after you’ve been following her.
  1. Unwanted Contact: If you make contact via phone call, text message, email or show up at her work or home, you have reached the highest creeper status that any man could ever reach. You may want to apply for a job with some secret government agency since you are proficient with your people-tracking skills (omit the part on your application about you being a creeper) but this will NOT win over her heart. This will cause for a 911 call and you face-down on the ground with your hands behind your back.

I’m sure there are a plethora of other ways that go far beyond steps 1-8 on how to become a creeper. These are the simple few to get you started.

Commando

Another turn of burning the midnight oil on night shift and an oldie came on TV with Arnold Schwarzenegger (yes, I had to “Google” his name to spell it correctly). The name of the movie was “Commando”. That’s right, I watched it. As crappy as it was, I watched it. Well, in and out of simultaneously working and allowing ADD to control the rest of my brain.

Anyway, the title of the movie, “Commando,” peaked my interest and I started thinking what does the word Commando mean? I know what the phrase “going commando” means as anyone near an adolescent probably has heard this phrase as well. But, what is the proper definition of Commando? I’m not an idiot. Think about it, how many words do you use on the daily that you don’t know the true definition of?

According the world of the internet, Commando means:

A soldier specially trained to carry out raids; a unit of soldiers specially trained to carry out raids.

Oh OK, so that explains Arnold running around in camouflage…in his neighborhood, war paint to the face and a body oh-so-delicately spritzed with a substance resembling sweat.

After thinking about the word “Commando” (and also after Googling it) I started thinking back to the phrase “going commando” and how that is typically a term used by males. But, as a female, I have used this phrase as well. So then I started thinking.

“What is the officially unofficial definition of the phrase ‘going commando’?”

No worries folks. I Googled that too. Which, led me to the wonderful website urbandictionary.com.

Not wearing any underpants. Usage in a sentence ‘Im goin commando today! (thank you, Urban Dictionary).

If it is a commonly known phrase for males, then what would the phrase be for females? Yep, Google served its purpose for that one too.

“Urban Dictionary! Don’t fail me now! Google says you hold the key to the female equivalent and I desperately desire the answer!”

Not wearing any underwear, usually applied to women.

There you have it folks! I am a Freebuffer and I am damn proud of it!

Self-Acceptance

Today I woke up and said aloud, “I am worth it.”  In that very instant, tears started rolling down my cheeks.  I had never said that to myself before, nor had I ever believed it.  It was almost as if my body had finally discovered all the broken pieces to my soul and it began to repair itself.  Finally, at 30, I’ve come to terms with that.

For nearly 15 years, I’ve been living with a sense of “incompleteness”, but not being able to explain or describe to anyone what defined this feeling or thought or where it was even coming from.  Honestly, I’m not good with words, as my Vocabulary post clearly explains, so I guess it would be no surprise that I couldn’t describe it to anyone else anyway.

By saying these words out loud, I am finally accepting my brokenness and imperfections for what they are and, for the first time ever, accepting that it’s ok to love myself.  Most people don’t attempt this or even know how.  I’ve always concerned myself with loving someone else, or doing whatever it took to make others happy.

The whole point of starting this blog was to help me find “it”, whatever “it” is that is causing this incompleteness inside of me.  Is it because I don’t place value in certain things like others do (house, high paying job, materialistic possessions, etc.)?  Is it because I don’t have a small extension of myself running around with curly brown hair yelling, “Mommy!  I love you!”  Is it because I don’t have that “special someone” curled up in bed beside me keeping me warm and whispering “I love you” in my ear?

No.  Those can’t be it because I have had most of those things and still felt “incomplete’” inside.  With me currently having zero of the above, I thought for sure that I would get to the root of the problem.  I still produced no rhyme or reason.  I’ve used many tactics in seeking out an answer: prayer, anger, sadness, laughter, binges, and anything else your imagination could insert in the blank.  Hell, I’ve even been to therapy a few times.

I’ve finally realized that I never once thought I was worthy or good enough to simply love myself.  In all honesty, this was the hardest pill to swallow: Accepting my brokenness AND accepting the mending that follows.  Both sides feel like a jagged little pill stuck in my throat.  Why?  Hell, any logical person would see it as recognizing a negative and turning it into a positive.  We all know that when it is ourselves dealing with the recognition and the mending, it’s not that simple.

Brokenness:  It’s all I’ve known for quite some time.  If I let this go, there won’t be anything else to be, well, “broken” about.  Then what?  What will I be sad over?  Will my mind create sadness out of absolutely nothing just to have familiarity once more?

Mending:  For me to accept mending means that I have the potential to be happy.  Well, that just scares the crap out of me.  For so many years, I have wallowed in my dark brokenness searching for the light.  What happens when I actually see it?  Will I be too scared to climb out and actually accept the potential to be truly happy?  What if I’m too scared?  What if I take this giant leap out of the darkness and all I’m greeted with is another black hole waiting to suck me in?  Quite frankly, that option frightens me as well.

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but at least now I know the source of my brokenness and, for the first time, have felt the mending.  I am worth it to be happy and to start loving myself.  Letting go of all the years of darkness and tip-toeing into the light is scary, and a tad cold on my little toes, but I’m ready.

I may not have any of this shit figured out or know where I’ll end up, but I have to start somewhere.  The black hole has sucked too much life out of me and I don’t want to wake up with nothing left.  And, don’t worry. My self-discovery will still include my quirky sense of humor and ridiculous stories 😉

The Beatles were right. “Love is all you need”… add the “self” in front of that, and now it fits.

Confidence

Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion.

– Tina Fey