Big TEXAS

There’s nothing worse than showing up at a bar… Sober… Single… with a gigantic purse on your shoulder, because NOBODY tells you NOT to CARRY your MONSTROSITY of a PURSE in a BAR!

Read: And the PURSE to MATCH!

Yep, I’m a newbie to the world of “big city” bars.  Apparently, there’s a secret girl code that you’re supposed to automatically know.  You DO NOT show up in a T-shirt referencing bicycles, jeans and a pair of crappy slip-on flat shoes.  Oh no… APPARENTLY, the appropriate attire consists of no purse whatsoever, bleached blonde hair with enough hairspray to ignite a small fire, and clothes that cost so much for such “barely there” material.

NO ONE shared this with me…. No one…

Anyway, what made the night even more interesting was the fact that I was sober.  A sober people-watcher looking around like a fly on the wall can be enough entertainment for the entire night, trust me.

For how small I am, I somehow managed to knock people over with my purse, or get myself knocked over.  After a couple of hours of this ridiculousness, the purse had to go.

Ok, now back in the bar with my official “re-entry” hand stamp and purse free!  Time to dance!  Because there’s nothing else to do and my legs wouldn’t quit wiggling from the oh-so-rocking country music booming from the hidden speakers (did I mention I was in a country bar?).

I also forgot to mention that my life has NEVER consisted of proper dancing skills.  I felt sorry for my partner before we even started.  Thankfully, it was a friend of mine that was quite polite and taught me how to properly “cut a rug” in a room full of country.  Thanks man!  And SORRY!  I know I’m terrible, but persistence will prevail!  As I’ve decided to liven things up and take some dancing lessons.

Ok, let’s go back to the people watching.  What I learned from my night out at the bar (mind the sarcasm):

Bleached blonde hair is the way to go- If all else fails and the beehive you’ve created on the crown of your head doesn’t do the trick, at least you have your bleached blonde hair to fall back on.  Somewhere at some point in time, there were a group of people that decided only blonde hair is attractive and any girl who wants to uphold this standard MUST come equipped with bleach applied to the head.

Mask yourself- There’s nothing wrong with wearing make-up.  Even as new as I am to the world of woman hood and glamming it up, even I enjoy the special effects that coverage and color have to offer.  But, according to Big TEXAS, if you’re going out to the bar you better put on at least 3 layers to disguise who you truly are.  With all that dancing and prancing around that you’re about to do out on the dance floor, some of that might wear off and heaven forbid anyone catch a glimpse of what you might look like in the morning.

Skin-it to Win-it- The less you wear means the more you spend on your outfit, which means the less you leave to the imagination of what you will look like naked.  OR!  Spend the right amount on clothes and you will possibly create an ILLUSION of what you look like naked…. I’m sure any way you slice it, you’ll make it work in your favor.  What ever happened to just being “you” and people thinking you’re awesome that way?  I didn’t win any points with my bicycle shirt that night, so maybe I’m completely wrong 🙂

Break a Hip!- It’s really sad when a 70 year old is getting more action out on the dance floor than I am.  Granted, those were the WORSE display of hair extensions I’ve ever seen. But hey, even she knew the golden rule of having bleached blonde hair.  What’s more sad, her daughter and granddaughter were out there cutting a rug with her!

I don’t know. Maybe I could learn a thing or two from the girls of night.  Times have changed since my last venture inside a bar and maybe I do need to “Glam-it UP” a bit.  As long as I don’t forget who I am along the way.  Because, honestly, I think I’m pretty fucking awesome!

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