You know who you are, you creeper. If you fall under ANY of the 8 items listed below, you may want to reconsider your field playing strategies. I am NOT placing a label on people nor their actions in public, I am simply “bringing to light” how others may or may not perceive you. So, fellas, keep this in mind the next time you’re “out on the prowl” and hunting for the ladies.

  1. Ultimate Stare-Down: When a woman catches you staring at her, DO NOT continue staring back.

It just makes it awkward for her and anyone in the general vicinity of this stare-down. It it not like the movies, okay? There will not be any “love at first sight” heart-throb music playing in the background, nor is she automatically going to walk up to you and invite you over to her place. This is real life and real life women, more often than not, find this to be entirely creepy.

  1. Red Light Roll: Ok… slowly creeping up to a red light is not sneaky whatsoever. I want to make this perfectly clear. Which leads to my next point….
  1. Driving Stare-Down: We can feel your creepy little eyeballs staring at us when you and your vehicle are stopped right next to us at the same red light. I mean, it is pretty damn obvious guys. Same rule applies. If we stare back at you and you continue playing the staring game, it is a grounds for us to jot down your license plate and turn it in to the nearest police station.
  1. Cologne Bath: Ok yeah. A couple of squirts from the “smell good” bottle is plenty. Fight your urge to squirt more. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. Especially when we can taste your cologne and we are now drowning in it. Oh! And a little “note-to-self” for ya – keep that shit out of the gym too. Nothing spells “Creeper” better than the guy standing around pretending to workout and choking everyone with his liquid poison.
  1. Putting the “Vibe” Out There: I’m honestly convinced that there is a secret society somewhere that teaches young men the proper attire to go out in public looking like a creeper. This “creeper style” comes in different forms yet, somehow, always easy to spot. Sometimes it’s you wearing the T-shirt that is 2 sizes too small. Or it’s the excessive jewelry tangled up in your chest hair. My personal favorite would be the “Vibe Style” + “Cologne Bath” combo. Two for the price of one.
  1. “No” means “Yes”: IF! You make it this far as to have a conversation with us, No means No.  Simply put. I know that there are some females that are very rude to you from the get-go and I do apologize for their crabby ways. Regardless, whether the young lady is polite or inconsiderate, if you are getting any type of a “no” response, it’s not a secret passage to the word “Yes.” Don’t make the awkwardness any worse than it already needs to be.
  1. Following Behind: Ok. DO NOT follow the girl once she leaves the store/bar/club/restaurant/or wherever you first played the staring game with her or received a “No” from her lips. That is the WORSE thing you can do. You may think its cute but I can assure you it is not.  Refer back to #1 The Ultimate Stare-Down, which refers back to the notation that the movies have lied to you and a real girl will definitely get creeped out by this move and you better pray to God she doesn’t know Kung Fu when you attempt to reapproach her after you’ve been following her.
  1. Unwanted Contact: If you make contact via phone call, text message, email or show up at her work or home, you have reached the highest creeper status that any man could ever reach. You may want to apply for a job with some secret government agency since you are proficient with your people-tracking skills (omit the part on your application about you being a creeper) but this will NOT win over her heart. This will cause for a 911 call and you face-down on the ground with your hands behind your back.

I’m sure there are a plethora of other ways that go far beyond steps 1-8 on how to become a creeper. These are the simple few to get you started.

Glam-It UP! Hair

Ok so, I caused some major damage to my hair, also known as bleach, and now I’ve been trying to repair the damages.  I decided to Google some kind of home remedy to fix this bleached monstrosity on the back of my head (note to self: NEVER bleach any part of hair, ever again).  I found this how-to home remedy online and decided to give it a whirl.  Warning: Do not try this at home.  It’s actually not that bad, but I don’t want to be the reason why your hair falls out, or something weird, if you decide to do the same home remedy as I did.

Anyway,  the home remedy “recommended” I put in a bowl 2 tablespoons of olive oil and 6 tablespoons of a deep conditioner product and mix together.  While that sits, get in the shower and thoroughly wash hair with shampoo.  Go ahead and bathe the rest of yourself while you’re at it too, because, well, it’s good practice to do so.  When out of the shower, apply to your head the goop of a mess that’s waiting for you in the bowl.

Now, nowhere in this article did it mention how gross it would feel to apply this mess to my head.  I think it’s mostly the “olive oil” part.  Kinda slimy.  Once all this is done, the instructions say to put all the gooped hair in a shower cap for 6-8 hours.  Try sleeping with that crap on your head.  Actually, it wasn’t that bad.  At that point,  I was so tired I would have slept through a nitroglycerin plant explosion.

Upon awakening, I headed straight to the shower to wash out the goop.  Fair warning to all: that crap is also slimy and slippery when being washed out.  Be careful!  I nearly slipped about a dozen times while in the “rinse-out” process of my experiment.  I have no intentions of being found dead, naked in my shower with slimy goop in my hair, because that shit would be talked about at my funeral and I don’t want that to be the reason why people remember me.

To no prevail, my hair felt exactly the same as it did before “operation hair recovery”.  Alas!  There’s a part II, in which the first process is repeated the very next day, yet an egg is added to the hair mask and the suffering of wearing a shower cap is only endured for 30 minutes.

Results of part II: Hair feels exactly the same as it did before.  Haha!  Oh well, can’t blame me for trying.  The only thing I’ve managed to accomplish is about 9 hours of my life of shower cap wearing that I can longer have back and a goopy mess in my bath tub.  Go ahead and tack-on another 30 minutes of tub cleaning because, as mentioned previously, I’m not stepping one foot in that shower with a chance of the paramedics finding me naked and slimy.

I think I’ll leave “operation hair repair” to the professionals from here on out.  Of course, the last time I spoke to my hair stylist, she said I would have to endure the “growing out” process to rid myself of any bleach damage to the dome.  Which, for me, that has meant facing my age and seeing all the grey hair that has grown out since the day I turned 30.  Yes, you’ve read that correctly, I have grey hair.  And to make matters worse, it doesn’t grow in and blend with the rest of my hair.  Oh no, that would be too simple.  It grows in wiry and straggly so that no matter how I fix my hair, it pokes out and tells the world “take a look!  This is a part of her youth she will never have back!”

So much for still getting hit on by 20 year olds   😉

Pack Your Bags, Lady!

Somewhere, in the land of female, there is a guidebook that insists women bring every single hair and makeup product that they have ever owned and pack it with them when they travel, even if that travel consists of only driving down the block and staying for one night.

When I decided to venture into the world of “womanhood”  NO ONE shared this with me… NO ONE!  I did not realize that in order for me to replicate the same look that I oh-so-eloquently “throw together” in the mornings that I MUST carry ALL of the same damn products with me when traveling in order to achieve the same “throw together” affect, which my post Glam-it UP! clearly states that I am not good at perfecting this skill.

I thought my new “less than tom-boyish and more feminine” routine that I’ve been practicing for the past year was rather simple when comparing it to the routines of other women.  Until I had to pack for a trip, that is.

After doing so for a couple of trips this past summer, I’ve decided that this whole process is crap.  What happened to simplicity?  What happened to a woman hopping out of bed and the world seeing her as beautiful in her own natural way?

Thus, my adventure always begins with how to pack the essentially nonessential products to continue my longer-than-necessary beauty regime while on the road:

Shower Time- Hotel Shampoo and Conditioner are both crap, especially for those of us with long hair.  If you want to fight and bald your way through brushing your hair after using the provided complimentary soap, then by all means, continue.   But, if your goal is to come out with manageable locks, then plan on adding your own hair soap to the products list.

Body Soap- Ok honestly, it’s a hit or miss.  I don’t mind using the thin bar of soap provided, but every time I get out of the shower I’m filled with immediate regret after sighting the dry scaly skin that haunts me in the aftermath.

Body Lotion- Everywhere!  Now, some hotels provide a complimentary bottle of body lotion and some hotels do not.  Hey, if you want to risk not having body lotion in your room, then go without.  But me?  That’s a risk I’m not willing to take.

Facial Protectent and Face Moisturizer for Oil Skin- I’m plagued with oily skin.  Thanks, parents, for that one.   Anyway, in order for me to apply makeup, I must apply a moisturizer specially made for oily skin to prevent my face from looking extra oily.  I have yet to even notice any dramatic improvement with my continued use.  The Facial Protectant is used because the sales lady said I had to.  Yep, I’m a sucker.

Hair products- While the magical face stuff is “working its magic”, I apply a leave-in conditioner and moroccan argan oil to prevent my naturally frizzy/curly hair from being unruly.  I move on to other processes while allowing for product “setting” time (ugh…)

Makeup- The drudgery of makeup product application.  The process itself is exhausting, time-consuming and absolutely tedious!  List includes:

Eye makeup: Eye primer (helps keep the color in place and adds vibrancy to color), multitude of eye shadow colors, eye liner, mascara, and eyebrow liner (trust me, my eyebrows require it).  Don’t forget all the brushes that go along with applying eye shadows.

Face-Coverage: Foundation all over face, bronzer and/or blush to the cheekbone area, finishing powder and finishing spritzer spray (I’m sure the sales lady saw the “sucker” sign stamped on my forehead on that one too).  Don’t forget all the brushes that go along with it.  I don’t even scratch the surface on the products that a lot of girls use, such as concealer for acne, concealer for dark circles, face primer,  contouring powders, etc.  The list goes on.

Back to the Hair- Don’t forget all the tools that go along with fixing the hair for the day.  The hair dryer and hair straightener and/or any other hair tools that your imagination can come up with.  Oh!  And any finishing sprays that are currently on the market.  Because, you know, after all that bull crap you just went through it would be a pity if it all went to shit as soon as you stepped out the door.

Final hoorah is putting on clothes, picking out shoes And the PURSE to MATCH! Because what would be the point in going through all that trouble if you’re stepping out wearing a garbage bag?

What has this boiled down to?  About 50 articles of crap that gets lugged in its own special travel bag from point A to point B.

Most days, I don’t go through any of this trouble… at all, actually.  I’ve narrowed down my beauty routine to only take place on my days off from work, for a special event or the sighting of a “special someone”.  Seems like the opposite action for most.  But, considering I sit in a room all night long with little-to-no human contact, it would be pointless to go through the daunting task.  Now, if a change of employment is achieved, then maybe, just maybe, would this role reverse and fit in with the rest of society.

For now, I guess I’ll continue playing dress-up one to two days out of the week and maybe, just maybe, it’ll come to some good use and I’ll land a chance to also wear a few of those cool dresses collecting dust in the back of my closet  🙂

And the PURSE to MATCH!

WTF goes in a purse?

Ok, for those of you who don’t actually KNOW me, I’m a newbie to the world of “purse carrying” and figuring out what’s suppose to go in it. So, essentially, this is about how to pack random shit in a purse.

Current weapons of choice:

Miniature flower umbrella- which has YET to serve a purpose

2 notebooks- 1 for tracking my iron pumping occurrences in the gym, and 2 for tracking my perpetual spending (still not serving a purpose)

Wallet- $21 a bunch of cards I never use

2 pens- even though I prefer to use pencil

1 bobby pin- it’s a hair “thingy” for you fellas that don’t know

ID badge- for my oh-so-important place of employment

1 case- carrying my iPod with my badass purple Skullcandy earbuds

MASSIVE cell phone- I still miss my dinosaur phone

Victoria’s Secret “Angel” Lotion– funny, I don’t feel like an Angel

Jack Black Lip Balm- no, not the guy from Tenacious D

Purple miniature hair brush- which, I hate because it actually hurts my head to use

Metal locker lock- this could also be used as a weapon while walking to and from the gym

Rolled-up cash amounting to $50- nope, still haven’t put that in my wallet with the rest of my cash

Car keys- I hate the sound of me carrying my own keys and I’m not exactly sure why.  Everyone else can do it, just not me

Phone charger- you know, just in case I run into an outlet that needs a charger

Silver case- carrying three mini tampons

I just realized that I have A LOT of “miniatures” going on in the ol’ purse… is there a miniature man in there, by chance?  One with a billion dollars?  Not today, it seems.

So, what this boils down to is I have a bunch of randomness going on in there.  Mostly just to fill the space of this monstrosity of a bag that society says that I need to carry.  Where did this stem from?  Reaching “middle age” and comparing myself to other “middle aged” women.  I started noticing these massively colorful bags that women choose to carry around with them and decided that maybe I, too, should be carrying a massively colorful bag.

So far, this experiment is not going too well.  I never remember to zip the damn thing up while I’m toting it around, I’m constantly knocking people over with it, like I did at Big TEXAS, and I haven’t quite figured out the proper way of “wearing” it or “displaying” it.  I’m not quite sure what the correct term would be to describe the “carrying” process of a purse.  Although, I am leaning towards using the term “displaying” due to the fact that these suckers are ridiculously expensive, overly decorated and large enough to sneak in a small child into the movie theater.

I’m comfortable with labeling my purse as mid-size.  I couldn’t quite hide a small child in there, but I could definitely pack an iPad 4, with a keyboard and case (future expense yay!).

Ok so, what is it that middle aged women carry in their secret shoulder luggage?  Why does it NEED to be zipped up?  Is there a traveling gnome in there being held captive?  Are there purse-carrying necessities that I should be aware of?

Moral of the story?  If you want to fit in with other middle aged women, then go buy yourself an oversized suitcase to wear on your persons at all times that will eventually lead to countless visits to the Chiropractor.  OR!  Just don’t give a sh*t and carry whatever you want.  For now, I’ll continue toting around this monstrosity hoping to, one day, come to some sort of a conclusion as to whether I should continue or discontinue.

To be continued…. 🙂