Flimsy Bag

Nothing pisses me off more than a flimsy bag. You put all your shit in the bag and the damn thing will NOT keep shape. That bag is better off on the ground playing dead. Better yet, I’d rather give that bag to me cat to destroy. I spend more seconds of my day dealing with a flimsy bag and getting all the shit to neatly stay still when I set the bag down or try to put more of my shit in it.

And what’s even more annoying, is that my daily carry bag is of the flimsy variety and I don’t replace the damn thing. So every day, I continue getting pissed off at this damn flimsy bag issue that I continue to have and yet I do nothing about it.

Having a flimsy bag feels like a reflection of myself and representing an unorganized, scattered brain individual that never has her shit together. This bag situation stresses me out that much. I feel like I show up to events or gatherings, walking in with that damn flimsy bag and everyone thinks “Oh here comes. This girls gonna be all over the place.”

For the most part it’s true. Maybe me and this bag are meant for each other. Like a mole you have your face that you just live with instead of having it removed….

Van Wilder’s Dad

Sometimes you just have to realize a poor investment and simply cut your losses…. write that down!

-Van Wilder’s Dad

Commando

Another turn of burning the midnight oil on night shift and an oldie came on TV with Arnold Schwarzenegger (yes, I had to “Google” his name to spell it correctly). The name of the movie was “Commando”. That’s right, I watched it. As crappy as it was, I watched it. Well, in and out of simultaneously working and allowing ADD to control the rest of my brain.

Anyway, the title of the movie, “Commando,” peaked my interest and I started thinking what does the word Commando mean? I know what the phrase “going commando” means as anyone near an adolescent probably has heard this phrase as well. But, what is the proper definition of Commando? I’m not an idiot. Think about it, how many words do you use on the daily that you don’t know the true definition of?

According the world of the internet, Commando means:

A soldier specially trained to carry out raids; a unit of soldiers specially trained to carry out raids.

Oh OK, so that explains Arnold running around in camouflage…in his neighborhood, war paint to the face and a body oh-so-delicately spritzed with a substance resembling sweat.

After thinking about the word “Commando” (and also after Googling it) I started thinking back to the phrase “going commando” and how that is typically a term used by males. But, as a female, I have used this phrase as well. So then I started thinking.

“What is the officially unofficial definition of the phrase ‘going commando’?”

No worries folks. I Googled that too. Which, led me to the wonderful website urbandictionary.com.

Not wearing any underpants. Usage in a sentence ‘Im goin commando today! (thank you, Urban Dictionary).

If it is a commonly known phrase for males, then what would the phrase be for females? Yep, Google served its purpose for that one too.

“Urban Dictionary! Don’t fail me now! Google says you hold the key to the female equivalent and I desperately desire the answer!”

Not wearing any underwear, usually applied to women.

There you have it folks! I am a Freebuffer and I am damn proud of it!

Self-Acceptance

Today I woke up and said aloud, “I am worth it.”  In that very instant, tears started rolling down my cheeks.  I had never said that to myself before, nor had I ever believed it.  It was almost as if my body had finally discovered all the broken pieces to my soul and it began to repair itself.  Finally, at 30, I’ve come to terms with that.

For nearly 15 years, I’ve been living with a sense of “incompleteness”, but not being able to explain or describe to anyone what defined this feeling or thought or where it was even coming from.  Honestly, I’m not good with words, as my Vocabulary post clearly explains, so I guess it would be no surprise that I couldn’t describe it to anyone else anyway.

By saying these words out loud, I am finally accepting my brokenness and imperfections for what they are and, for the first time ever, accepting that it’s ok to love myself.  Most people don’t attempt this or even know how.  I’ve always concerned myself with loving someone else, or doing whatever it took to make others happy.

The whole point of starting this blog was to help me find “it”, whatever “it” is that is causing this incompleteness inside of me.  Is it because I don’t place value in certain things like others do (house, high paying job, materialistic possessions, etc.)?  Is it because I don’t have a small extension of myself running around with curly brown hair yelling, “Mommy!  I love you!”  Is it because I don’t have that “special someone” curled up in bed beside me keeping me warm and whispering “I love you” in my ear?

No.  Those can’t be it because I have had most of those things and still felt “incomplete’” inside.  With me currently having zero of the above, I thought for sure that I would get to the root of the problem.  I still produced no rhyme or reason.  I’ve used many tactics in seeking out an answer: prayer, anger, sadness, laughter, binges, and anything else your imagination could insert in the blank.  Hell, I’ve even been to therapy a few times.

I’ve finally realized that I never once thought I was worthy or good enough to simply love myself.  In all honesty, this was the hardest pill to swallow: Accepting my brokenness AND accepting the mending that follows.  Both sides feel like a jagged little pill stuck in my throat.  Why?  Hell, any logical person would see it as recognizing a negative and turning it into a positive.  We all know that when it is ourselves dealing with the recognition and the mending, it’s not that simple.

Brokenness:  It’s all I’ve known for quite some time.  If I let this go, there won’t be anything else to be, well, “broken” about.  Then what?  What will I be sad over?  Will my mind create sadness out of absolutely nothing just to have familiarity once more?

Mending:  For me to accept mending means that I have the potential to be happy.  Well, that just scares the crap out of me.  For so many years, I have wallowed in my dark brokenness searching for the light.  What happens when I actually see it?  Will I be too scared to climb out and actually accept the potential to be truly happy?  What if I’m too scared?  What if I take this giant leap out of the darkness and all I’m greeted with is another black hole waiting to suck me in?  Quite frankly, that option frightens me as well.

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but at least now I know the source of my brokenness and, for the first time, have felt the mending.  I am worth it to be happy and to start loving myself.  Letting go of all the years of darkness and tip-toeing into the light is scary, and a tad cold on my little toes, but I’m ready.

I may not have any of this shit figured out or know where I’ll end up, but I have to start somewhere.  The black hole has sucked too much life out of me and I don’t want to wake up with nothing left.  And, don’t worry. My self-discovery will still include my quirky sense of humor and ridiculous stories 😉

The Beatles were right. “Love is all you need”… add the “self” in front of that, and now it fits.

Confidence

Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion.

– Tina Fey

Truth or Date

Don’t try to flipping date me. Plain and simple.  Okay, let me rephrase that.  DO NOT try to date me IF:

  1. You DO NOT have a job
  2. You are mentally and emotionally unstable
  3. You are in a current relationship with someone else
  4. You have a criminal record of ANY KIND
  5. You have immoral rituals, fetishes or daily habits
  6. You don’t know how to treat another human being
  7. You have an excessive alcohol problem or use illegal drugs AT ALL (sorry, but I’m a lame duck in that department)
  8. You are NOT genuinely interested in me as a person, and primarily interested in the “between the sheets” action
  9. There’s some fucked up bizarre story involving you that seeps out that I “so happen” to find out about via third party in-person, facebook, twitter, text message, phone call or any other form of me obtaining this information about you

I’m sure there is more, but that is a good place to start.  I’m really not asking much, honestly.  I did not mention any physical attributes at all.  Am I human and become physically attracted to another?  Of course I do.  But if you are out of line with the above, I’ll eventually find out and in the long run of things the situation will NOT turn out for the better.  Be upfront, be honest and most importantly, be honest with yourself.

With that in mind, let’s begin….

Dating experiences:

Blind Date with MR. H…..

Me and MR. C…..

Flushed

Blogging

After not blogging for about a week, I’ve decided that blogging is a lot harder than I had imagined it to actually be.  Every week I try to think of stuff to blog about and, don’t get me wrong, I come up with hundreds of different ideas; NOT A ONE of them actually going along with the “30 Something Cliche”…

So, should I post all the ridiculousness that runs through my mind and just go with it and see what evolves?  Or, should I go along with the blog descriptive and only write about how my “30 Something Cliche” life is not so… well… cliche.

I’m leaning towards the first option.  My Not-So-Cliche lifestyle and daily occurrences will fall into place within blogging story time.

So, my peeps, with that in mind, I’m sure my stories will unfold to more “interesting and obscure” the more I continue blogging my little heart out. For example, my adventures of getting lost downtown and almost driving on the metro railing system.

Or the time I was driving the wrong direction down a one-way street in the middle of traffic.  Or, even better, this recent time that I was in the grocery store in the middle of the night and this random woman starts talking to me about her nightly shopping habits and the whole time I’m trying to figure out who the hell she even is and, of course, my thought processes behind all that.

I don’t know how else to get around it.  It’s what the blog is developing into.  And, quite honestly, I’m ok with that.  Yes, there is a “30 Something Cliche”, but there’s also a Cliche about adulthood just in general. Our social surroundings alone develop a layout of how we should act as an adult, what responsibilities we should have or the direction of our lives in general.  Don’t forget the role the media plays in all this.

Anyway, enough of my soapbox. Enjoy the stories and enjoy living vicariously through me 😉