Creeper

You know who you are, you creeper. If you fall under ANY of the 8 items listed below, you may want to reconsider your field playing strategies. I am NOT placing a label on people nor their actions in public, I am simply “bringing to light” how others may or may not perceive you. So, fellas, keep this in mind the next time you’re “out on the prowl” and hunting for the ladies.

  1. Ultimate Stare-Down: When a woman catches you staring at her, DO NOT continue staring back.

It just makes it awkward for her and anyone in the general vicinity of this stare-down. It it not like the movies, okay? There will not be any “love at first sight” heart-throb music playing in the background, nor is she automatically going to walk up to you and invite you over to her place. This is real life and real life women, more often than not, find this to be entirely creepy.

  1. Red Light Roll: Ok… slowly creeping up to a red light is not sneaky whatsoever. I want to make this perfectly clear. Which leads to my next point….
  1. Driving Stare-Down: We can feel your creepy little eyeballs staring at us when you and your vehicle are stopped right next to us at the same red light. I mean, it is pretty damn obvious guys. Same rule applies. If we stare back at you and you continue playing the staring game, it is a grounds for us to jot down your license plate and turn it in to the nearest police station.
  1. Cologne Bath: Ok yeah. A couple of squirts from the “smell good” bottle is plenty. Fight your urge to squirt more. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. Especially when we can taste your cologne and we are now drowning in it. Oh! And a little “note-to-self” for ya – keep that shit out of the gym too. Nothing spells “Creeper” better than the guy standing around pretending to workout and choking everyone with his liquid poison.
  1. Putting the “Vibe” Out There: I’m honestly convinced that there is a secret society somewhere that teaches young men the proper attire to go out in public looking like a creeper. This “creeper style” comes in different forms yet, somehow, always easy to spot. Sometimes it’s you wearing the T-shirt that is 2 sizes too small. Or it’s the excessive jewelry tangled up in your chest hair. My personal favorite would be the “Vibe Style” + “Cologne Bath” combo. Two for the price of one.
  1. “No” means “Yes”: IF! You make it this far as to have a conversation with us, No means No.  Simply put. I know that there are some females that are very rude to you from the get-go and I do apologize for their crabby ways. Regardless, whether the young lady is polite or inconsiderate, if you are getting any type of a “no” response, it’s not a secret passage to the word “Yes.” Don’t make the awkwardness any worse than it already needs to be.
  1. Following Behind: Ok. DO NOT follow the girl once she leaves the store/bar/club/restaurant/or wherever you first played the staring game with her or received a “No” from her lips. That is the WORSE thing you can do. You may think its cute but I can assure you it is not.  Refer back to #1 The Ultimate Stare-Down, which refers back to the notation that the movies have lied to you and a real girl will definitely get creeped out by this move and you better pray to God she doesn’t know Kung Fu when you attempt to reapproach her after you’ve been following her.
  1. Unwanted Contact: If you make contact via phone call, text message, email or show up at her work or home, you have reached the highest creeper status that any man could ever reach. You may want to apply for a job with some secret government agency since you are proficient with your people-tracking skills (omit the part on your application about you being a creeper) but this will NOT win over her heart. This will cause for a 911 call and you face-down on the ground with your hands behind your back.

I’m sure there are a plethora of other ways that go far beyond steps 1-8 on how to become a creeper. These are the simple few to get you started.

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