The best way I start my day is when I wake up, open my eyes and say “I’m a funny mother fucker!”
I don’t know why, but as soon as this thought crosses my mind, I know immediately that I’m about to have the best day ever. Even my stumbling sleepwalk over to the Keurig is done with far better swag than the typical run-of-the-mill kind of day. Before I know it, I’m showing that coffee-making bitch who’s boss, struttin’ my stuff on in to the bedroom to make my bed (like a boss!) and hopping in that shower singing “Makin’ it RAIN up in here!”
No, actually none of that goes down in reality, but in my head it does. And, it makes for a far better start to my day than the usual rolling over to realize what time it is and mumbling some non-repeatable expletive while hitting the snooze button.
Let’s try the opposite. One morning, start your day by waking up and saying “I’m such an asshole! I’m such a terrible a**hole!!” Could you imagine? You’d wake up flipping the bird to every face that crossed your path. Having a stare-down with your kids at the kitchen table, finally saying “Fuck you. You did this to me. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be drunk right now!” Don’t worry, I’m kidding. I don’t have any kids, so my children are not offended by this.
The “asshole” part doesn’t sound that great. Although, I will admit there are some days where I feel like over-using my middle finger and saying “Fuck this! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!” One day, I’m just going to do it and then blame it on PMS or an unexplained bout of Tourette’s which, somehow, gets cured the very next day.
Admit it, you’d be doing it too if you could get away with it!
I pride myself in being a funny mother fucker. I don’t “brag” about myself whatsoever. BUT! I do have much confidence in my ability to have a sense of humor. It may be dark, witty and sarcastic! But at least I’ve got one! And that’s a lot more than what other people have. Some people simply “forget” how to enjoy life or find humor even when everything’s going to shit. F your life! If you’re going to be “rollin'” with me, you better be ready for it, or it simply will not work out… at all… don’t even try….
I bet there’s not a lot of middle aged women who wake up saying “I’m a funny mother fucker”. Try it some time. Report back to me. You don’t even have to be a woman to test it out. I give you permission…
Anyways, folks. There was actually no point to this post, whatsoever. Just thought it would make for a good end to a work week for everyone.
You’re welcome 🙂
(Insert middle finger here ________)