Today I woke up and said aloud, “I am worth it.” In that very instant, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I had never said that to myself before, nor had I ever believed it. It was almost as if my body had finally discovered all the broken pieces to my soul and it began to repair itself. Finally, at 30, I’ve come to terms with that.
For nearly 15 years, I’ve been living with a sense of “incompleteness”, but not being able to explain or describe to anyone what defined this feeling or thought or where it was even coming from. Honestly, I’m not good with words, as my Vocabulary post clearly explains, so I guess it would be no surprise that I couldn’t describe it to anyone else anyway.
By saying these words out loud, I am finally accepting my brokenness and imperfections for what they are and, for the first time ever, accepting that it’s ok to love myself. Most people don’t attempt this or even know how. I’ve always concerned myself with loving someone else, or doing whatever it took to make others happy.
The whole point of starting this blog was to help me find “it”, whatever “it” is that is causing this incompleteness inside of me. Is it because I don’t place value in certain things like others do (house, high paying job, materialistic possessions, etc.)? Is it because I don’t have a small extension of myself running around with curly brown hair yelling, “Mommy! I love you!” Is it because I don’t have that “special someone” curled up in bed beside me keeping me warm and whispering “I love you” in my ear?
No. Those can’t be it because I have had most of those things and still felt “incomplete’” inside. With me currently having zero of the above, I thought for sure that I would get to the root of the problem. I still produced no rhyme or reason. I’ve used many tactics in seeking out an answer: prayer, anger, sadness, laughter, binges, and anything else your imagination could insert in the blank. Hell, I’ve even been to therapy a few times.
I’ve finally realized that I never once thought I was worthy or good enough to simply love myself. In all honesty, this was the hardest pill to swallow: Accepting my brokenness AND accepting the mending that follows. Both sides feel like a jagged little pill stuck in my throat. Why? Hell, any logical person would see it as recognizing a negative and turning it into a positive. We all know that when it is ourselves dealing with the recognition and the mending, it’s not that simple.
Brokenness: It’s all I’ve known for quite some time. If I let this go, there won’t be anything else to be, well, “broken” about. Then what? What will I be sad over? Will my mind create sadness out of absolutely nothing just to have familiarity once more?
Mending: For me to accept mending means that I have the potential to be happy. Well, that just scares the crap out of me. For so many years, I have wallowed in my dark brokenness searching for the light. What happens when I actually see it? Will I be too scared to climb out and actually accept the potential to be truly happy? What if I’m too scared? What if I take this giant leap out of the darkness and all I’m greeted with is another black hole waiting to suck me in? Quite frankly, that option frightens me as well.
I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but at least now I know the source of my brokenness and, for the first time, have felt the mending. I am worth it to be happy and to start loving myself. Letting go of all the years of darkness and tip-toeing into the light is scary, and a tad cold on my little toes, but I’m ready.
I may not have any of this shit figured out or know where I’ll end up, but I have to start somewhere. The black hole has sucked too much life out of me and I don’t want to wake up with nothing left. And, don’t worry. My self-discovery will still include my quirky sense of humor and ridiculous stories 😉
The Beatles were right. “Love is all you need”… add the “self” in front of that, and now it fits.